I FIND COMFORT IN YOU

Dear blog,

I have found immense comfort in confiding in you.

You offer a non-judgmental space.

I am able to share my sorrows and private thoughts with you without concern for the opinions or discussions of others.

I understand that one should ideally not be preoccupied with the thoughts or judgments of others, but I am by nature a very private and sensitive individual.

I find that speaking less often brings me a greater sense of peace.

CAN I SURVIVE

Dear blog,

Can I make it through another day?

Another tomorrow?

I'm not sure, but something inside me just died this year.

I saw the saddest version of myself this year. 

One thing I did this year: I kept pushing forward.

Amidst all the depression, disappointment, betrayal, and everything else...I know I almost quit...but I kept going. 

This year brought too much pain.

SAD

Hi dear blog,

It's been a long time since I've been here.

How's it going?

Life's been rough for me.

Actually, it's been hell.

I've never been hit this hard in my whole life.

2025 and 2026 were brutal.

I'm not sure how I even made it this far... every day is a struggle and it's not getting any easier.

Waking up each morning feels like I'm killing myself.

How much longer am I gonna live in sadness and misery?

Please let this nightmare end...

FAREWELL MOM

My heart shattered on the day I received a phone call from mom,s doctor and it was the very one I dreaded most.

It was to inform me that mom have a relapse of the dreadful big C, and according to the doctor, only had about one year to live.

As I put down the phone, I broke down and cried so badly thinking over and over why it has to come back and haunt us after ten long years especially when mom is enjoying her twilight years at the ripe old age of 93 years old.

God is so cruel to take her away from us in such a painful way when she is so frail now.

I always envision mom will leave us peacefully in her sleep but not this way after what she,s been through ten years ago.

Not accepting reality, we request for another test hoping there,s a mistake but but sadly, that didn,t happen..

Mom started palliative care from home and the journey was not easy for mom and us but we were thankful for the support from nurses from Hospic and also our reliable Indonesian maid Wati.

Mom with Wati

Mom was admitted to hospital for urine infection two months after diagnosis in December and we spend Christmas in the hospital with mom.

Trying our best to cheer up mom

Miraculously, mom recovered from the infection very well.

We spend Chinese New Year at home with mom as we know this will be our last with mom.

Mom with us...

With good pain management, we took mom on day trips which she always enjoy.

Our outing with mom...

Mom is also an animal lover..

Nevertheless, as five months passed, mom got stronger and better, she became the lovable mom again which makes us hopes that she has overcome the disease again.

Life is back to almost normal and mom is like her normal self again picking fights with Wati which we finds both hilarious and frustrating and we also have our fair share of mother and daughters squabble after which we made up without ill-feeling. That,s how close our bonding is with mom.

Mom having a haircut at her favorite shop

Our last Mother,s Day with mom

Mom was doing well until fluid set in her lungs and she was admitted to the hospital again for two weeks.

We spend Hari Raya Aidilfitri in the hospital with mom.

After coming back from the hospital, mom fell down from the bed which left her arms and face badly bruised and this time the procedure which the doctor did to remove the fluid from her lungs has makes her weak and she didn,t have the energy to fight anymore.

During mom,s last doctor,s appointment, she wanted to visit her favorite dim sum restaurant.

Mom,s last dim sum outing 

Although she could not eat much, she seems to enjoy the environment around her.

I was choking up with emotions and cannot forget the sad look in her eyes as she gaze forlornly around her.

Mom,s conditions started to deteriorate three weeks after been discharged from the hospital. I saw her slowly withering away I somehow knew that the end is near. She has been battling the disease for nine months, but for me, everyday is a gift to spend more time with her.

Mom was barely awake most of the time which I think is good so she don,t have to suffer so much.

During the time when mom wasn't sleeping, she is not herself anymore.

She has no emotion and it was like her soul was already gone.

My heart ache so much for her that I actually wish for the most unfilial wish, that God would take her away. My head wants it but my heart says no.

On the evening of 20th July 2017, mom left us.

The suffering and misery has ended.

It was the most painful and saddest day of my lives. I have never felt so much pain in my entire live.

My heart breaks into millions pieces.

Mom, we have not said our goodbyes. 

Why can,t we have one more day with you if not more?

Mom, I thought I was ready to let you go but I was so wrong.

Each time when I think of you laying on the bed motionless makes me breaks down.

Mom, I miss you.....

You took a piece of me with you when you left. 

I felt there,s a hole in my heart and part of my soul left with you.

Mom, till we meet again.......

Our favorite morning spot... until the last day of her lives.....
I was holding her hands sitting under this old tree..

The Ninja Boast

Have you heard of the Ninja Boast?

The first time I read about it in one of those gossip column, I was trying to imagine a ninja executing a boast...sword and all... quirky stuff... I was thinking.

My first family Ninja Boast  photo execution on Facebook

First Facebook Profile Pic Ninja Boast

But as I read on, I discover that a Ninja Boast is actually a term meant for people who so cleverly master the art of boasting without looking like they are blatantly showing off, whether it,s their auntie,s new car or their freakishly stylish niece new outfit!

A showoff of my daughter first self-bake cake....another Ninja Boast!

Instantly I felt a little hot on the cheeks.

Does posting my humble homemade cheesecake on Facebook or Instagram consider a Ninja Boast or telling the whole world about my daughter academic achievement is also counted as one or worst, flaunting my holiday photos is also guilty?

Hard core selfie uncle.....

Am I worst than some people who loves to bombard their friends network with their most flattering angle possible selfies?

On second thought, maybe a little Ninja Boasting is fine however if overdone, it might backfire and instead cause your audience to roll their eyes at you. In a nutshell, skip the theatrics and save the drama  for your mama.

Flashy cars and humongous bungalows does appear on my homepage occasionally to the envious of the general public and of course me included...naturally.

Boastie... be it hugh or humble, we all love to share good things but personally I feel it should be done subtly.

My daughter is a fan of selfies....

Who knows, there might be uninvited characters out there stalking your Facebook and for my wealthy friends, be careful, they might even want to share your wealth....

A BLESSED YEAR 2014

The year of the horse has been good to all of us at the home front.

Mom miraculously recovered from the stroke within two months.

The road to recovery for her was one filled with love and care from all her children.

Mom during one of her acupuncture session...

We all take turns to send her for acupuncture everyday at the hospital amidst the madness of the traffic in that part of the city.

Initially Mom has no confidence on her full recovery and she was very depressed but the Chinese physician at the hospital has been very positive and encouraging towards her plus all the attention that she received from us drives her to push herself  harder to stay strong and positive.

Getting a haircut before Chinese New Year.

She thought that she would not be able to visit her only brother which is 95years old this Chinese New Year but this was made possible through everyone,s sheer dedication and of course also Mom,s own strong willpower to recover.

In the mood for Chinese New Year...

A week before Chinese New Year, she has all her angpow and goodies bag ready.

Chinese New Year visiting...

Chinese New Year lunch..

Birthday celebration with children and grand children....

According to the Chinese custom, on the second day of Chinese New Year married daughters will go home to pay respect to their parents and Mom has been visiting her only brother every year although her parents are no longer around and this year is no exceptional thanks to her speedy recovery and I hope there will be many more years of these to come.

A day trip to Kuala Sepetang, Taiping....

For Mom, each waking day is an added bonus for her and she is definitely one lucky lady who have so many children and grand children to love and care for her.

Mom is truly excited going on the LRT..

THE SECOND STROKE...

Celebrating mom,s birthday in 2011

On the 2nd of December 2013 mom suffer a second stroke and this time the blockage was at the nerve that supplies blood to her eyes.

It started with a bout of vomiting and coughing and we thought it was some bugs that made her sick.

After a week when she was not recovering and her vision was getting worse, we realise there is something more serious than just a simple bug attack.

We took her to the hospital and one look at her, the doctor told us she have stroke on the left side of her brain.

I was shock and mom was devastated.

I asked myself over and over again...how could we not see the symptom.

The doctor gave her two weeks medication to try to clear the blockage and to  follow up with a brain scan if things does not gets better after that.

haha....sometimes she can be very selective on her food...

Somebody suggested acupuncture so we started her on the therapy hoping her condition might improve.

After three days of medication and acupuncture, mom began to feel insecure and depressed as her vision is not getting any better.

Our last resort was to send her to the ophthalmology  hoping that they can do something about her eyes but more bad news awaits us.

Mom celebrating the birthday of her twin great-grand-son last year....

After checking mom,s eyes, the doctor told us there is nothing they can do for mom.

We went home with a heavy heart and mom was more depressed and she gets agitated very easily.

Now the only hope for us is to wait for the medication and acupuncture to work.

But day by day I can see that mom is slipping into her depression again....